This list is making the rounds of LE jokes, and thought it was worth a share:

Narcotics units:
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Buy bunches of boats, RV’s, and motorcycles with that overtime.
-Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT units:
-Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun.

Community Service units/D.A.R.E.:
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units:
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises.

Administrative Units:
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it’s a “meeting”.
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.

Patrol Units:
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot

-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.

-Come in at 0800
-“Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030
-Work from 1030 to Noon, Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know.
-Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant:
-Remembers very well “how we used to do it.”
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
-Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”

-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

– Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
– Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
– Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks “to discuss your new case.”
– After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT,SWAT, etc, to “properly utilize your superior tactical skills.”
– After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about “long term undercover” jobs.
– Refuse to play golf with “the locals.”

New Corrections Officers:
– Show up for work 15 minutes early
– Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2)
– Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform
– Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove: gun, baton, spare magazines, knife, cell phone, when you arrive at the facility
– Become friends with every local police officer
– Continue eating too much and not exercising

Court Security
-Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom.
-Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized.
-Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials.
-Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year.

Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick.
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.

– Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
– Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
– Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
– Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
– Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
– Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.

I can say most of those have a basis in reality…

One Response to “Heh”

  1. Greetings from Falls County,
    This is scarie, I know some of these folks.

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